2025 Thoughts

Archive of my "microblogs" from 2025.

May 14, 10:59

I haven't been fronting for a while... Our internal communication system is also all messed up, so I've been having trouble even letting others know when I want to front. I want to come back and continue my writing though...

April 4, 19:39

I think I have an ear infection or something.

I know they can't help it, but it's hard to be honest with them when they cry every time I try to tell them how I feel.

March 25, 19:18

Annoying that I can't starve myself effectively

March 25, 11:35

I'm waiting for a meeting again.

Everyone's thoughts and feelings are blurring together. I was able to half-talk to my co-host. They've been crying ever since they woke up at 2 AM because we had a fever. I didn't know what to say to them. I wish I knew. I used to be good at that, helping us reason out our feelings. I became too complicated and attached to be able to say anything. I keep running through scenarios of punishing people. Making them see how much we sacrificed and invested, but I know that won't help. I'll just keep fantasizing and maybe I'll feel better.

I was able to talk to one of my subparts. She's...young. I'm glad she only has a vague idea of what's happening. She keeps asking to talk to our partners though. I don't know how to help her. I don't know how to help anyone.

March 24, 22:34

I tried to cry this morning and I couldn't get myself to. At least I can now.

March 24, 17;06

Trying to make myself vomit but it's hard to do that when my stomach is empty

March 24, 11:58

They keep hinting that they want me to take a full time job after my internship ends. I'm really thinking about it, now, as my prospects of graduate school are still up in the air. I feel like if I take this it might be better for me than going to school again. I could always go later, when I'm older. I want to be a college professor still, but I think I need to keep my options open for the sake of survival. My insurance isn't going to last forever either, and I'm stressed about searching for a therapist since my dissociative problems have gotten more complex in the course of two months.

March 24, 09:36

I want to throw away everything they've ever given me. Looking at them makes me feel nauseous.

March 22, 23:34

when the world burns

when the world burns, what does it sound like?

a crack a flash, a lightning strike?

I've seen it burn, again and again,

and none of these have flame begun

when the world burns, what does it sound like?

a silent hum, a whir of gas, a match strike

when the world burns, it's quiet like

March 22, 22:22

Spending the last night of this trip before my flight being informed that I have a subsystem now and contemplating suicide over new information about my (ex)partner. I don't know how to cope with being alive anymore. I cannot believe me breaking up with my boyfriend caused all of this. I want it to be over. This is a nightmare. A nightmare. Arguing on simplyplural is so fucking cringe but I can't see any of my system members anymore so this is the only eay

March 16, 18:13

I don't understand the point of any of this. I should just call it all off.

March 8, 18:29

I've talked to like 4 different people now about my breakup. Why does everyone tell me I need a better support system and to talk more about how I feel? I've done it 4 times and it hasn't helped. Not at all. I feel as miserable as I did when I started. Maybe a little more miserable because everyone keeps telling me he reacted extremely. That they don't know what they'd do in my situation.

...they keep telling me they can't love me the way they need or as much as I want to be loved. ...I wish I could tell people that no matter how much love people give me I don't think it'll ever feel like enough.

March 7, 20:07

Why do people lie about things like unconditional love? It's not real. Even I lied about loving him forever. I'm not any better than anyone else. I've never been. I'm miserable because I broke up with him in the first place. But it's okay now. I'm fixing everything and I'll be loved again. Things will go back to normal because I fixed it. Because I worked at it.

March 7, 20:03

There really is no such thing as unconditional love. He lied to me. I just have to do everything people want and they'll love me. I have to provide them something and they'll love me.

March 7, 20:02

I'll change as much as I have to if it means I can be loved again

March 5, 20:28

Can't stop shaking

March 5, 14:58

I'm really tired ...

March 4, 20:50

I'm playing some Pokemon Emerald and doing my data analysis course while talking to a friend...I feel okay right now, I think.

March 4, 19:42

They keep telling me talking to people will help. People who have nothing to do with him. It just reminds me how everyone else makes me feel hollow inside.

February 28, 15:22

My supervisor said I don't need to do another interview if I want to stay in this role for the rest of the year. Hooray.

February 28, 12:58

My breath keeps hitching at random.

February 28, 10:17

I want to disappear.

February 28, 09:38

I feel more averse to hearing my own name lately. I don't know why, it just doesn't feel right. I don't think anything has felt right since I broke up, though.

February 27 20:10

Why am I adding the year on these, actually. I think I might draw. I've been practicing the Loomis method for drawing heads lately. I've been listening to Omajinai on loop today.

February 27 19:59

Seeing anything related to romance or sex is just leaving a giant gaping hole in my heart and it doesn't even matter. I need to get better.

February 27 15:54

Successfully rejected going to work and now I am going to play a game that I am still figuring out my feelings about. When did I get so picky! I started playing as really low quality game to remind myself that things could be worse actually.

February 27 13:54

I'm currently dying because I'm being called into work for one of my jobs that I want to quit soon but I'm sick and have a bunch of appointments next week. I was also rude on accident via text last night because I was stressed about something.

February 27 11:50

Trying to get all of my work done relatively fast today so I can do a bunch of things in the evening. I feel a bit under the weather still, though.

February 26 15:17

Feeling kind of sad that I skipped out on one of my jobs tonight but it's fine. I need to recover... I fixed up my bear dashboard and the CSS so now it has a light theme. Yay.

February 26 10:48

Just got out of an informational meeting with the person who hired me. It went well, also solidified my plans of probably moving in the future.

February 26 09:47

I feel like ripping my fingers off I reaaaally wish I was normal and not constantly bouncing between feeling okay and not feeling okay.

February 25 11:23

For someone who rarely leaves the house, I sure do get sick a lot.

February 24 13:32

I'm sleepy but I have tutoring in like an hour and a half...no idea if I should nap or something... I feel like I'm going to collapse...

February 24 09:12

I woke up with a scratchy throat. I hope I'm not sick. I'm going to the insurance office right now to finally get my car insurance, but I'm a little worried about my meeting at 11:30 today. It should be fine.

February 23 00:09

I was talking to a friend tonight about having some kind of "microblog" and we were looking at thoughts page. I think the concept is fun but I don't feel like having a whole new service for it? So this will be my place for status updates.